Monday, November 23, 2009

The Dark Side of Me

So, I put that post up yesterday, about reward and punishment, because it's something I really need to work on. With all the stress of moving, unpacking, moving to a new town, and feeling quite isolated (something is happening with my planets right now, my new astrologist told me, that is associated with "incarceration."* I had to really laugh about that one!) . . . [what just happened to my sentence?] . . . I've had a short temper some days (aahh. . . and my astrologist also told me it's time to get back into kickboxing!!) . . . and my first response, when I'm tense, is to immediately look for some sort of threat or punishment - not the typical things like "time-out," spanking, or taking away priviledges, but things like, "If you don't stop fighting over that, I'm going to take it away," or when I'm really out to lunch I say really crazy things, like I did this morning, such as, "If you're going to argue with each other, I might as well send you to school - that's why people send their kids to school - because they argue with each other and the parents don't want them around!"

Uhhh. . . yes, I really said that. And it didn't faze them because they've heard it before. Luckily they don't believe me that I'll do it. (And don't you love how I set school up as a punishment? So healthy.) Of course, there are many, many people who send their kids to school for that exact reason (many of them are my friends, and they have told me as much). But I am not proud of these moments. *Sigh*

Unschooling IS dreamy. Oh yes, it is! But parenting isn't always. And two boys fighting over which side of the window is going to be opened, so that they can jump four feet down onto the couch - all while I'm trying to email on that couch? No. Not dreamy at all.

Funny I just made a rule for myself last week: No more computer use between the hours of 8:30 A.M. and 5:00 P.M. And here I am at 10:40 A.M. blogging about the trouble I had while emailing 20 minutes ago. Hmmmm. . .

And yet, why would I want to make rules for myself anyway, when they diminish responsibility?

*For the record, he would probably not have told me this if I hadn't begged him to tell me about what an amateur astrologer friend had told me, which was that I was going into a period of "isolation." My new astrologer had instead said something like "a period of contemplation" or something like that. And as you can see, this is already true. What a contemplative post!


  1. People should know that our house is the size a saltines box. Any sound in the house can be heard anywhere else, and there are only so many places to jump, be on the computer etc. It's not like you could just walk down the long hallway and hide in the's all there in the same place. I think the claustrophobia combined with the inherent noisiness make it maddening. You could be proud of yourself for blowing your top so infrequently.

    Also, Ottar thinks of school as a place with lots of glass elevators that he could ride up and down, so I don't think he views it as a punishment.

  2. You are not alone in bringing up school when the going gets tough at home. I sometimes find myself remembering the (only half-joking) words of a former Christian missionary acquaintance of mine: "Homeschooling is much too violent an environment for my kids." I'm always amazed by how self-critical women I think are awesome mothers can be. I'm also reassured when I hear that women I think are awesome mothers have some of the same dark side behaviors I do.

    Good luck in the cracker box. Call sometime if you need a sympathetic ear.